I made the circuit of my blogroll today and stopped to read many of the links you all carry. I yearn to write something deep and sensitive tonight but nothing will come. A week of drifting, eating when hungry and sleeping when tired has slowed my mental process to a crawl. Eventually this surfaced...
I rode hard and fast today, confident now the juicy fat tyres have been scrubbed of their shiny newness. This evening I chased the setting sun along a narrow ribbon of tarmac, drifting from left edge to right edge, straight-lining the curves and hugging the radius of each tight bend. I let the motor sing loud and clear through the gears. As dusk fell I slowed to cruise the return leg.
During my week off I spoke to five human beings, both my sons, my wife, my sister and my friend. Tomorrow I will stow my real life and return to corporate drudgery. The sky will be lower and greyer.
Colleagues will drink coffee with me and ask “how was your week off?” Pleasantness will exude from my every pore, “Great!” I will lie. “I decorated the back bedroom, tidied the garden and caught up with my family.” Bollocks to them, the reality is I visited fascinating people around the planet on my PC, gunned my Yamaha along country lanes and thought about the future. That’s what I really did all week.
How do you explain to workmates, I would love to arrange the best parts of my life on a grassy knoll. I would grab the four corners and fold it all in half again and again until it fitted in my pocket. I want consistency, dependability and integrity. And I want it in my pocket where I can’t lose it.
I will surprise the DIY store salesman by asking for a selection of squares, circles and triangles. “I need geometric accuracy so just do as I ask, don’t question me.” He will back away in his orange overall shaking his head and frowning.
My wife wants a dog to go with the cat. I said, “If a dog arrives, I leave...” I guess a dog is unlikely to show up. If it does it will be a greyhound and my final act will be to paint it orange (using harmless natural pigments of course.)
I have been thinking with a white-hot intensity, yet I have lost a week somewhere without making a single valuable decision. Still waters run deep but I have always felt I am rather shallow...
"My brain hurt like a warehouse it had no room no spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there."
David Bowie – Five Years
19 comments:
no, not shallow. sometimes, i wade through what i perceive are words but are actually profound insights. keep doing what you're doing.
You are honestly one of my favourite blogs and should most definitely in my top 14 silly bit - I'm just not mean enough to kick someone out, so may have to heave up the 14 to 15 or some such number.
Also, I am flattered and honoured to be on your blogroll - thank you.
Not everything can be expressed the way you like. I wouldn't feel badly if, in your own estimation, you didn't write what you wanted. It was good to me, and at least you put it down.
I like the tire.
-A
Shallow? No. Definitely not. :-)
Kimberly - too close to the trees to see the forest maybe. I feel frustrated and wanted to get that sense across. I'll think of that pretty paper-trail analogy next time I drop a comment to you.
I own up to rather a lot on here so you guys know enough to have me hanged... Notice how I bare my soul then scurry for cover with some fiction - like a puppy skipping from the in-coming tide.
Ray ray - welcome. Trans' blog roll is quite hefty eh! (But tasteful) No pedals - twist your right wrist and hang on if you dare. 0-60 in 3.9 seconds. Horsepower or pedal power, they both provide exhileration. I took most of the day to manage a grunt or two to my colleagues. Better tomorrow...
Transience - we are our own harshest critics. This gushed up yesterday when I was in a dire frame of mind. When I re-read it today I drew the same conclusion as you - the words which seemed futile now take on more meaning.
Read between the lines. Am I happy in my current predicament? No, but I find ways to tolerate it. Painting a greyhound orange would be the last straw but I would do it.
Despite Corporate and domestic suffocation I will continue to belch forth cryptic nonsense at your insistence because you understand it.
Ruk - a place in your top of the very tops list must be earned. I'll keep paying my dues and leave the rest to destiny.
You've been on my list of fabulous contributors forever. If I knew how to immortalise you in a pert little button I would. Thanks for your honesty as ever Ruk, mate.
Argus - the tyre is scrubbing in nicely! I thought you would appreciate the reference to my blast along country lanes.
I said to Trans that what seemed disjointed at the time appears more coherent in the light of day. I feel like I've called out all my life but very few have understood what I'm saying. I take stuff seriously and I expect the same from others.
After 29 years with the same employer I badly need a change. The Corporation is unrecogniseable from a quarter of a century ago but I'm much the same...
Kenny - thanks for the morale boost. You sound emphatic so I'm taking strength from that!
29 years with the same company, yikes...I'm sick of my own after 5, and I hope to be retired when I've put in 25. But life can surprise you, and I'm not holding my breath for it.
Don't be shy on those corners, I don't want to see a "chicken stripe" on that 180 the next time you post a pic of it. ;)
-A
Argus - shy indeed! The tyre has just 200 miles on it, Im going out in a moment to add another 20 or so. It's another of those gorgeous sunset evenings and the wife's gone out so I've had all my toys out...
The Gibson's back in its case, the Hi-fi's off, PC's shutting down soon - that just leaves the bike!
Kimberly - thank you my dear, it's nice to feel wanted. Read 'Green Eyes' that will cheer us up!
I have much to say but no time right now. Wanted to let you know I was here though. I will be back
Luv ya
DG - come back soon... I 'm guessing you have interesting words to write here.
Finnegan - what an ocean-going, fur-lined, copper-bottomed comment!! I'm hunting out my framing kit! Too often when commenting I leave more words than in the original post. I simply feel obliged to put in maximum effort for the beautiful people who favour me by reading my blog.
In the spirit of genuine praise let me say I love the deep, frank dreamscapes you paint. Wavelength is crucial and I am obviously tuned in because I seem to see precisely what your mind's eye sees. A rare conjunction of minds.
Carnal favours offered with tongue planted firmly in cheek - that sums it up Finnegan. Sledgehammer wit of the very highest order (nothing else makes me laugh aloud.) I am honestly touched by your open words, I will endeavour to live up to you.
BTW do you think rUK is teasing me? Yeah I agree, the odder the better! I thank you from the heart of my bottom!
It is possible to drown in a puddle you know that right? I know you did, I just wanted to remind you that what sometimes seems so shallow can be so deadly.
I want it right in my pocket where I can't lose it...those words hit me right where it hurt today perfect. What I wouldn't give to wake up daily knowing it was right where I left it and yet you know, it is. Right where I left it. I just choose not to see it anymore. I can't help it.
Trying to move forward and pretending that it will all be different and kind this time is not an easy ting to do. What would I give to go back to what I knew would work, but the pain, the pain.
So I must face my fears and move thru this new....hoping that when I get to the other side that maybe, just maybe the magic will be there and I will find out that all along the past wasnt always what I thought it was. That the key to the future is in this new set of eyes. Brown, not green. Is it possible?
Possible that the path that has been walked could be so much the same. Some areas worse, some better, but knowing that one has gone before me and has built such a strong foundation frightens me much the same as it should comfort.
The answer I hope is worth the wait. It would mean that I would no longer have to drive the path on two wheels, but could rest and ride just the same. That change would be nice I think, I must remember though that it may not be greener there. This time it is faith, not blind though.
With all that you've seen and felt orange would not be such a horrid colour. I think you know that though and it is why you have chosen it. I do think that you would find some comfort in it, facing your fear as well as your freedom.
Ohh perfect, I do understand, I do. Sometimes I wish understanding would create the necessary change, but there is no changing it, only acceptance. Youve already learned that though, now I must learn it from you.
Kimberly - check the sidebar link:)
Doughgirl - wow what a powerful set of comments. I read and re-read your words several times. You know well that if I let things get on top of me, even tiny things, they can be powerful enough to drag me down.
At times I knew you were hinting at a possible new relationship in your life, at others I felt sure you were simply stating fear of the future. You deliberately kept your thoughts a little vague I think to allow interpretation. Your eyes appear blue though...
We would love to go back to the familiar comfort of our former lives but that isn't an option for us two. Trusting another is hard when there has been hurt before. You can only wait and see what the new future brings.
Green Eyes was an eternity ago but my newest dilemma is no less dreadful. I've hinted at it often enough and even stated it openly. Yes there is some comfort in accepting and staying but still I look and talk and see the green, green grass daily.
Thanks for understanding DG.
Flea - sorry to reach you out of sequence, your words weren't there this morning?
I felt you would see the sincerity in these words. I am nervously awaiting a decision on being paid off by my employer. If that happens there are only 2 /3 people in an office of 30 with whom I will maintain contact.
I'm just too private to let them see the real me. If I start a new life soon then I may adopt a different approach...
You are right about mine perfect and Im not sure I understand why that is. Maybe I am not ready, maybe I dont want to be ready, maybe I do want to be ready but fear still grips me...I should probably write soon about all that, it will be hard to do...remembering.
I know of your new dilema and have been waiting for more to find how deep the water really is when you jump in, if you do that is. Im not sure you will, and that plagues as well as comforts me. Why am I so middle ground always. Why must I needlessly see both sides.
This new one scares me perfect as it is my first clean and sober one. I took so much for granted when I could not feel, think and see...more fear on top of what was already there.
I cannot say more tonight, my cheeks are wet, Im not sure why. We will talk tomorrow
You are freeeeeeeeee.
Faith - I too used to bare my soul to anyone willing to listen. Wanting to be loved for our faults is classic isn't it?
Alcoholism made me retreat into a shell and there I have stayed. I write here in a confessional sort of way and value the feedback greatly because it comes from people who choose to listen to me.
You do write beautifully Faith, and with precision, I have said so before. You have a way of cutting straight to the point and not ducking issues.
Doughgirl - I thought so... Please don't wait for me to plunge in, I am good at waiting forever!
I would jump if pushed. That sounds like not wanting to take responsibility for my actions I know, but my best friend is not ready so I accept things as they are for now.
You've read 'Swimming Home' and others so you can guess how deep the water is.
Feeling emotion without the aid of our safety net is scary, there is nowhere to hide. We are open to inspection from any angle and that is uncomfortable. In time you will get past that fear. I have, now I can now talk to my friend on any subject you care to name, with no exceptions. I value that honesty and closeness very highly.
Don't have wet cheeks, talk to me later. Use Yahoo Messenger if you like...
Jen - free! Takes a second to say it but a lifetime to cut the shackles. I am the world's most accomplished procrastinator!
Finnegan - I'm a touch bashful so maybe he'll just read this and decide to pick a picture from here at random?
i hope all your loved ones are safe pv. as always, we stand with you.
superfly - thanks for your concern, I am so pleased to report we are all ok. The value of your support is huge. Doubtless this tragic news brings back grim memories for you and all my beautiful American friends. And lovely to see a guest appearance from one of my earliest blog pals.
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