Susan’s bathroom routine is complex and lengthy. It involves
a range of ablutions for face and body followed by a generous application of
ointments and sundry unguents and balms before feeling ready to embrace the new
day with confidence and a face cutely glistening with youth and vitality. My
investigations have revealed where she stores her supplies and, bearing in mind
she is a creature of habit and can be relied upon not to notice anything out of
the ordinary - even right before her eyes – I began to hatch a rascal-ish
plan...
Her final primping stage is to daub liberal globs of
Nivea cream on her cheeks (the upper ones, mostly) to leave them as soft and
smooth as a baby’s for everyone to admire. Susan recognises the Nivea by
approximate size and shape and will reach for the tube without close
inspection.
I spent a few productive minutes designing and
printing a small circular label the same size and colour as the Nivea brand and
composed an alternative descriptive phrase for it. After a few scissor snips
and a dab of glue-stick I slid the new label into place, positioned the tube
back on its shelf and stood back to admire my ingenuity! Would Susan notice? Of
course not!
I perked up and listened with interest when she next visited
the bathroom for a cleansing session but, as anticipated, not a chortle, not a
gasp, no reaction at all! She simply came trotting back into the bedroom,
cheeks aglow, and stood at the window squinting into her eyebrow mirror. When
she returned to the bathroom I followed behind and tentatively enquired if she
had plenty of moisturiser left.
“This is it, right?” I asked, holding up the Nivea.
“Yep, I love that stuff,” Susan smiled.
“Really, you use this on your face?” I said, faking an
expression of consternation.
She leaned in and looked closer. “What the f*** is
that? Have I been rubbing that on my face all this time?” Her eyes were wide,
her mouth agape. “Hiney Vaginey Balm? She shouted incredulously.
I was already dashing for safety when I heard her
little feet slapping fast on the floor, chasing me, bent on retribution, cheeks
gleaming with Jojoba butter!
