07 February 2006

Cautiously Pessimistic

I used to know all the smart tricks the above phone can pull but already the buttons look somewhat confusing. Now it sits silently on my old desk in a dead office, hard to believe it was once such an important communication tool. I always hated the irritating little trill it made anyway so I’m glad that gadget has lost its voice.

Fitting perfectly in the world lasts for a few optimum years. The rest of the time you fight against being too young or out of date. I’m no longer too young and I’m not yet out of date so that makes me in my prime. Doesn’t it? I am a cautious chap and I know my limitations – I say I am a realist. Someone recently told me a pessimist defends himself by saying he is a realist. I guess that makes me cautiously pessimistic. WOW, I’m far too exciting…

Some days I am really smart, I see everything in razor sharp focus and all those obscure concepts become crystal clear. Other days I can’t see my hand in front of my face and I forget how the kettle works. Sometimes I need complete silence so my own thoughts can deafen me but the next day I need loud music so those thoughts can’t intrude.

No two days are alike. So is that good or bad, unpredictable or challenging? Today I want to write but I am wordless and I have a feeling this may last a while. I am still winding down from the rat-race and the process seems to involve days of frantic activity and insomnia followed by sleeping a great deal and a mind devoid of creativity.

No point in forcing the words when the words won’t flow so I am going to change tack for a few days. I am going out on Thursday with my camera to let the pictures do the talking and pretend I’m not looking at words. Maybe then they’ll come out to play. Could be prose, poetry, or journal but I’ll recognise it when it comes into my head. I have a photographic memory but what use is it when I keep leaving the lens cap on.

Just so you know, I have a row of eight cut jade tortoises on a string marching across my desk. I think they bring good luck.


mussolini said...

i look forward to the pictures ;)

dAAve said...

I agree with mussolini.
(never said THAT before)

Cocaine Jesus said...

good read. so well written. clever bits that play and bounce against each other.
looking forward to the pics.

Perfect Virgo said...

Mussolini - me too. I have no idea what they will be but I'll know them when I see them ;) I really do think you could get away with a smaller desk you know!!

dAAve - 4 words that would not look right anywhere else or in any modern context. The random power of the Blog...

CJ - a thin thread of connectivity today but I din't have the energy to expand my thoughts further. I have just charged my camera battery and the reserve so we'll see where the mood takes me.

Queen Neetee said...

I'm home sick today. I made myself a huge cup of honey and lemon tea and added to that comfort, a read of your post.

Yes my friend, you are indeed in your prime. Jean Brodie alerted me of mine years before I landed here. It is an extraodinary place to be. I too am a realist. I swing on a trapeze of truth spreading pessimistic joy to all. I tell them that I have earned this right because of my years.

I think you must've have written this post during one of your really smart days. It's brilliant!

It seems to me that because you have time now to let your mind express itself in a myriad of ways - prose, journals, photos, etc. - that your ideas are merely boggarding one another out of excitement and occasionally become wedged at the exit. Oh what a fight. Let them, because which ever one wins the exit, at that moment, will no doubt be an amazing expression of your mind.

I think that if I had the freedom of time to express all that resides in me, I would spontaneously combust.

Can't wait to see what your eye picks up Thursday.

just sayin' said...

I know exactly what you mean. Ever since my extremely long-lasting cold began and my speech was no longer understandable by the Dragon software, I have gotten out of the habit of posting anything original opting instead to copy information from other places. I figure better that than no posting at all. But I could be wrong.

Perfect Virgo said...

Neetee - now there's a comment to gladden the heart! The realist in me says I have nothing to say but now I have to consider your way of looking at it. Maybe I do have a lot to say but am impatient for the thoughts to emerge? I'm happy you know about the realism which comes of age!

First I saw home-sick, then sick of home and finally at home sick!! I seem forever to be looking for multiple meanings so nothing is straight forward. Honey and lemon in a bucket I understand! Get better soon...

The timing of my release is too early but in view of the financial compensation I can hardly complain. This opportunity for 'freedom of time' will not come again so I must grasp it and channel my energy. Tomorrow I am driving to London on my own for the day (well alone apart from my camera.)

Morgan - posting like this is ok on the keyboard but for longer stuff I have to use Dragon. I know all about the lack of recognition if your throat gets a bit husky! Being creative and novel every day is demanding. I dropped back to roughly weekly and that gives me time for other things.


I'm working on a post about "time" right now. I think you will relate to it. But I'm still trying to find the "time" to do it.
This is your time bro. Snap away with that camera. I can't wait to see the world through PV's eyes.
I see you bro,
PS: I'll write soon...promise.

boulies said...

You are kidding aren't you? I mean about not being able to get the words out. I love the way you give the phone an animated kind of identity and then take it away by turning it into a dead thing. Really effective. And you... you create through your natural flow of language, a true feel for where you're at in your head, so that I, the reader can feel great empathy( but not be fooled) because this is a great bit of writing! How lucky can one be, to feel drained and empty headed and be able to write like this. P.S. Thank you for the link. Much appreciated!!!

Perfect Virgo said...

JJ - I'm always fascinated by the concept of time and I look forward to reading, in due course. The camera saw lots of stuff on Thursday.

Bouls - I like your observation very much. Mostly I see things with a critic's eye and my writing veers towards judgemental. I feel an urge to analyse and assess the value of everything. A mistaken conviction that somehow understanding a thing will enable me to improve it leads to frequent disappointment.

The end result is I admit an honesty that some may find too frank. But my love of words and expression is my motivation.

finnegan said...

As I'm feeling both empty-headed and drained, I'll just reflect on this little gem you've written, especially this:

I have a photographic memory but what use is it when I keep leaving the lens cap on?

Since I actually do such dumb things, the meaning is both literal and metaphorical.

Perfect Virgo said...

Finn - I seem to keep overlooking the obvious and blanking out stuff I ought to remember.

Jen said...

I often find I can express myself better with photography lately as well. It allows you to be creative without a lot of word wrestling. :-)