21 April 2007

Dive-bombed by herring gulls



(What shall I listen to? Old, new, borrowed or blue..?)

... must be a herring gull chick, he thought, taking in the dull brown plumage with the huge size. Wonder why its sitting in the middle of the road.

Doctor: “What seems to be the matter with you?”
PV: “Everything doc and I’ve got it bad.”
Doctor: “Want to talk about it?”
PV: “Nope. I prefer to shut my mouth and keep my thoughts to myself all day… like I always do.”
Doctor: “Well, keep taking the pills and I’ll see you when I see you.”
PV: "Rot in hell arsehole."


Is that a pterodactyl?
An ominous 4 foot six wingspan silhouetted against the scudding rain clouds made him fantasize Jurassically for a moment. With Kamikaze yells the shape plummeted toward him, veering aside at the last moment. Fuck, it’s the parent bird protecting its strayed young. Repeatedly it screamed in low and fast with raptor-like talons outstretched. Hey even the wildlife has it in for me…

It’s all downhill from here pal. You’re 49 and your best years are long over. The doc doesn’t give a damn, the world isn’t waiting for you, the gulls are suspicious of you…


He held similar conversations in his head all day. His favourites were about guilt, shame and self-recrimination. He did a good job of chastising himself. That seemed a more effective use of time than waiting for someone else to do it.

I won’t bother talking to you unless I love you, he said to no one in particular. I want to live on a desert island. He had a big heart and a head full of compassion but people barged into him in the street like he was invisible. How could he ever talk to people who were so oblivious to his sweet nature? He needed to be alone, that was the stark truth of it.

Some idiot shrink had told him, try to think of all the good things you have achieved. You have so much to be grateful for and proud of. He had never bought that. He was way off course for his usual lunchtime walk, even the gulls sensed that. The time on his wrist was well past lunch but he kept walking. Today he would make a decision.

He had a sharp plot for a novel in his head but he kept chipping away at it til all that was left was a series of fragments. Perhaps he would try piecing them together again soon.

SHUT UP! he screamed at the voices in his head. If the fools at work had only known how my depression and anxiety was crippling my physical health. Why had he never shrieked this to the banking fools, There is nothing wrong with my mental fortitude but you are hammering a square peg into a round hole and I won’t fit. I will last as long as I can but the strain you are placing on my emotional health is directly reducing my physical health. My immune system is failing – I am getting sick. It is not possible to be this miserable in my head for decades and for it to have no effect on my body.

With this admission at least now he would have a few things to say to the doc next time he went. Now, where the hell did I park my car?

22 comments:

fathorse said...

I find that taking a big fuck-off shot gun, loading it with a coupla rounds of well deserved self-importance and blasting the bloody gulls out of the air takes the edge of things.

Perfect Virgo said...

Fathorse - nice one! There is a distinct edge at the moment but all I have to hand is a pea-shooter. If things get too close though I can always lash out with a well-aimed boot!

Mrs CeCrux said...

Bloody hell....I almost thought something was wrong with you...well maybe there is, something wrong with all of us I think..lol

By all means i don't mean any of it in a bad way, but i caught myself really reading this with all my attention really into this..shit you can write.

Perfect Virgo said...

Mrs C - you're right there is something slightly wrong in all of us. We hide our faults most of the time but sometimes it all comes flooding out. Thanks for reading.

Mrs CeCrux said...

yeah..a lot wrong..especially with me. i noticed a link on your one page..really has me thinking..depression? i wonder sometimes if its something i should read...for myself

NMAMFQLMSH said...

OMG...thank you.
PS: You are in Canada...please write and let me know what part. Please.
JJ

Miss Independent said...

just letting you know I am thinking of you

Perfect Virgo said...

Mrs C - depression is grim. It has vice-like jaws.

JJ - check your email!

Miss I - thank you April. I am lucky.

Benjamin said...

'Fox in the snow, where do you go to find someone who will do, to tell someone all the truth before it kills you' la Belle et Sebastian that. Seems to fit. More soon, I hope...

GeL (Emerald Eyes) said...

Those conversations in our head can result in whoppers of headaches, especially if one feels imprisoned or stifled...

In my distant and sometimes distinct memory, I hear a familiar voice while I read this, but now that voice is much stronger with resolve.

You captured (and released) his frustration and anguish as fitting as glove to hand. Scream to the gulls now. Let it out. Let his shrieks scatter and reverberate through the air and fly free. It will feel damn good.

Patry Francis said...

I'll deal with the more important issues in this post later, but first, that wall, that paint...the same color as mine. It must be a sign...

Patry Francis said...

Now for the more important issues: WRITE THAT NOVEL! It's there inside you and it's amazing. I know it is.

boulies said...

PV, I love the line, "I won't bother talking to you unless I love you." Sometimes there just seems to be too many faces to face in a day. Even if there's only just a handful... it can feel like too much! Maybe depression makes for better writing. Who knows? Whatever recipe you're using, it's sure producing some fine writing. I've missed reading your words.

{illyria} said...

i must echo the sentiment that you've been missed. i hope everything is going well on your side of the world.

Perfect Virgo said...

Benjamin - funny how music always seems to fit? Last week I saw the Aussie Pink Floyd an awesome and very convincing tribute band. Tonight I am seeing Thirteen Senses in a pub in Southampton. (I am back in the UK for a month)

GEL - there is more than a hint of retrospective thought in this piece and it actually feels somewhat awkward thinking about my old working life. Nonetheless the occasionla demon springs to mind and reminds me of the past. I hope you are well.

Patry - Now that is what I call serious encouragement!! Thank you so much for your amazing comment Patry... I do intend to wrestle that novel out of me sometime soonish. Lovely to hear from you.

Boulies - I have been so busy settling into my new life that writing has taken a back seat. That will change! Thanks for your kind words.

{Illyria} - My side of the world is currently Europe again! We are spending May in England to visit my boys and family and to tour the country. The weather is a whole lot warmer than I have grown accustomed to in Canada! I have had limited internet access this month but will visit you properly in June. Call me a man of extremes if you like - I have downloaded 1100 photos from digital camera to laptop in the past 2 weeks here!

Perfect Virgo said...

Patry - terracotta, good choice!

NMAMFQLMSH said...

Forgot to mention I SEE ALIEN MAN...hehehehe.
oxoxox
JJ

Perfect Virgo said...

JJ - great spot!!

Katie McKenna said...

Despite the seriousness of depression I had to smile after reading this and thinking "What if the world could hear what we are really thinking!."


When people overstep boundaries and stay in my space too long it drives me crazy. Can they not read the sign?

Very interesting read. Yesterday I was over here reading a spot of your poetry but then I had to leave before commenting. Your writing is quite interesting. Thank you.

Perfect Virgo said...

Katie - my days in this new country are mercifully less stressful but I still feel the pain and write about it from time to time.

Right now I am editing some video footage and burning DVDs to send home to my sons.

Thanks for reading :)

Katie McKenna said...

I believe that echoes of pain as well as pain itself, remind us to live.

I'm sure your DVDS will be fabulous and loved by your sons.

Always a pleasure to read your posts. Thank you

Perfect Virgo said...

Katie - yes it is very true that opposites throw each other into sharper relief. We can define pleasure only through knowing pain.