05 March 2005


In the aisles of the DIY Superstore most shoppers are thinking about tile grout and paint, not poetry. I find myself gazing at bath taps but thinking, “now what rhymes with suffocate?” In HMV I see a youngster counting a small handful of coins by the singles stand and I feel a wistful tale of compassion forming.

I put too much of myself into this. I’m emotionally drained. Last night I was dreaming about communication. Transfixed in front of a small plasma screen I watched e-mail notices arrive in torrents. Electronic filters ensured they slid effortlessly into their assigned slots, nestled in folders with friends' names, keen for replies. Three browsers are open, switch to tracker see the ISPs, flick from 'compose post,' to notepad to Outlook. Endless cycle. Eyes closed, head in hands, drifting, dreaming...

I am dimly aware of the cursor blinking in Notepad like an impatient foot tapping, nagging me to type. I need a subject so I scroll through a list of half developed ideas for inspiration. Nothing seems appropriate today. More blog comments arrive by e-mail and I scan them quickly... Now I bash out a short poem about tenderness or something. I select an appropriate picture from my camera files. No, wait that needs cropping first. I rub my tired eyes.

Cropped, tinted and tagged the photo traverses the ether and drops snugly into place. Now to finish I need a lyric. Something pithy, maybe emotional, certainly memorable. Can’t think of a song even. What’s my favourite song? I drink a long, long glass of chilled water. I haven’t even looked at my blogroll today, I groan with worry. I think I'm losing it.

Now there’s a tug at my shoulder. “You ever coming to bed?” “Leave me alone,” I snap. “I’m working, I’m trying really hard to...”

“You’re asleep. You’re dreaming. The PC’s not even on!” “It must be,” I mumble in protest. “My friends are talking to me."

“Dreamer, you know you are a dreamer.
Well can you put our hands in your head, Oh no.”

Supertramp – Dreamer


yours truly said...

You know, sometimes you gotta turn off the computer... or only keep Notepad open... or even turn off the brain... Novel concept, I know. I had not ONE intelligent thought yesterday (day felt freaky like twilight zone,) and I never slept as well as I did last night. Coincidence? I think not.

Grace said...

It does get a bit like that PV! The Dreamer title brought this to mind:

"You’re higher power maybe God of Jesus Christ,
it doesn’t really matter much to me,
without each others help there aint no hope for us,
I’m living in a dream of fantasies,
oh yeah yeah yeah.

If only we could all just find serenity,
it would be nice if we could live as one,
when will all this anger, hate and bigotry, be gone.

I’m just a dreamer, I dream my life away, today
I’m just a dreamer, who dreams of better days.
oh yeah I’m just a dreamer,
who’s searching for the way,
today I’m just a dreamer,
dreaming my life away,"

....Dreamer by Ozzy Osbourne

...Hmmmm, spot on for me today.

Perfect Virgo said...

YT - a point well made. I'm just all or nothing, get the picture? Somehow I must try to hit that big red switch soon and rest a while. But just one more look, one more peep...

Grace - poignant lyrics indeed. Telling the difference between what we can and can't influence would be a big bonus. 'Dreaming my life away,' true, very true.

Grace said...

PV, I just had to tell you that you have saved my day! Because of your references to so much music, I have spent all day downloading my favourite oldies and blasting the kids (for a change and since I'm allowed as its Mothers Day!). Little Feat...Spanish Moon...Aaaah bliss!!

Perfect Virgo said...

You will say 'stop' if I overdo it won't you! Music keeps me sane, melts my heart and ...

Glad Mother's Day is improving for you Grace, see its getting better girl!

Grace said...

Never, today has reawakened something in me! I listen to Classical Gas now!

doughgirl said...

Contemplate, communicate, disipate and alienate...those are words that rhyme with suffocate..lol :)

Turning off the computer is one of the hardest things I do everyday. I feel your pain. However putting your energy into this is much healthier than putting your energy into figuring out how to get the next drink :)

I love the song that Grace wrote here...without each others help there's no hope for us.....reminds me that once I felt so alone and was so afraid of people and today I must learn to trust others and be with them as being alone is not good for this alcoholic :)

Jen said...

See. Sometimes I have to step away from the computer or I get too obsessed. I feel tethered to it, around and around ~ that invisible cord.

Perfect Virgo said...

Grace - re-awakening, I like the sound of that. Hey I have no objection to accoustic guitar, just I like to make a lot of noise!

Doughgirl - thank you for the rhymes, very appropriate words indeed for my current preoccupation! The pain is like losing a limb isn't it. Take care to trust the right people.

Jen - Your recent break has done you a power of good. I would do well to take a leaf from your book. I wanted to record what I felt others might be experiencing too. See, I knew you would know the feeling of that cord tightening.

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