02 March 2005

On the inside looking out

Why fret over what people think of you? Should another’s opinion even leave a ghost of a trace on your soul? Some sign perhaps but not a scar. To want to be thought well of is so achingly human. It is just so hard to believe those you have come to care about see good in you. Yet common sense says they must or they would not keep your company. Here again I reflect my own sentiments onto a third party. That way it feels less like a confessional and I handle it better.

“You know, you are your own harshest critic!” Yes he knew he was and her words still hammered in his head hours after their utterance. Even that was criticism and it cut him open. He loved her unconditionally as a friend and would lay down his life if asked.

He had waded through stinking swamps for years not caring about anyone. His friends drifted off one by one until he was left only with leaches. They sucked him hollow and fell away when he left the bar. Learning to find good new people had been frightening. His new heightened awareness screamed for comfort not criticism. Since he broke off his affair with the bottle his senses were sharp as any razor.

He had discovered the capacity to love those he respected and he yearned for that love to be returned. Scrambling out of the deepest darkest pit had been a success but the price had been high. Sometimes it felt too high. He judged by his own dizzyingly high standards and his love demanded honesty and kindness in return.

Dimly he heard a friend’s voice calling him, reassuring him. The truth burst into his consciousness. She was really saying he had no critics but himself, everyone else liked him at least a little. He awoke crying hard. Hot salty tears of relief streamed down his cheeks. Now he had to try to explain those tears.


superflywebpimp said...

once in a while, you hide a diamond in the sculpture. something dear and heartfelt that you hope someone will notice. thanks for noticing my little diamonds like "the marianas trench." it's only when someone notices can you finally sit back and smile thinking, "it's all worth my time."

"i can live two months on a good compliment"
-mark twain

Grace said...

Talking of confessionals, another sin of mine...“You know, you are your own harshest critic!”...If I could actually give myself a break I might have a chance!

Perfect Virgo said...

sfwp you hide the diamonds, I'll seek them. If they're there be sure I'll find them.

Grace, take a break, that's an order. (Oh, that's so rich coming from here!) I'm sure self-criticism is just you and me, it isn't a real sin.

Grace said...

Everythings a sin when you were brought up Catholic, but thats another story! ;-)

Perfect Virgo said...

Me too Grace, Oh me too. So let's say a venal sin then, not mortal. That's not as bad I recall...

doughgirl said...

OHHHH You had to go and post the self crisitcism thing..ouch..lol

We are our own worst enemies sometimes, that is true. I battle that a lot, it is none of my business what someone else thinks of me. It is my job to be real and stand firm in what I believe. Who really cares what anyone else thinks of me as long as I am doing the next right thing.
More often than not what we think people think of us is not what they are thinking.

Perfect Virgo said...

No need to "ouch" I love your comments! You are right of course it is a battle and one I wage a lot. But I can only be honest about myself.

Nowadays at least I wage it openly, in the past I didn't like myself so I escaped by drinking. I like some bits now and I believe strongly in those bits too.

Being human is hard at times isn't it!