16 March 2005

Remembering Green Eyes

Like it was only yesterday, do you ever get that feeling? So fresh you can hear and smell it. Certain people, places and times have left that indelible mark on my soul. I can’t wash away the sentiments and they don’t fade with age. I move on but carry the past with me on my shoulders. I drank them into oblivion but they resurfaced. And they’re still here a millimetre beneath the surface and they came out today. This is someone I knew twenty years ago.

If you can tell all that from the piece below then I’ve made myself as clear as I can or you must be a mind reader.

Green Eyes

Fingers lightly tracing my cheek
Green eyes inches from mine.
Entwined hours after meeting,
Soul lovers weeping for real.
Matched as only a pair can be
Dovetailed and blinkered to consequence.
Aching I remember your presence
My white-hot painful repentance.

Are you content now or restless
Your new car, new dog and house.
Trappings like those make you edgy
You need a friend not a spouse.
I condemned myself with a glass for our sin,
Your husband, my wife, both bled.
Am I over you now, do I give you a thought?
I can't get you out of my head.

I probably never said goodbye,
Just left you to scream on your own.
I sped to the edge and collapsed,
I couldn’t live with what we had done.
Gin soaked memories daily
Of a virgo scorpio affair.
I’m sure I don’t love you now green eyes
I just need to know where you are.

When you call me, you have to be dying.
Was that an unspoken code?
One day there’ll be no tomorrow
To carry this crippling load.
Our lives are running out so fast
It’s late but it’s not the last call.
I don’t need to know where you live,
Just don’t die, don’t cry, walk tall.

"We were lovers
We were kissers
We were holders of hands
We were make believers"

The Stills – Still in Love Song


Jen said...

She's still very much with you, Virgo, as much as the stars in the sky and the sun that rises in the morning.

Mere Existence said...

I really love everything you throw up on here. You always manage to capture the mood... your writing almost has that Les Paul smoothe, but intricate feel to it. Much like when one's sitting in Gilmoure's hands.

Perfect Virgo said...

Jen - suitably enduring imagery. I felt you would spot the truth. The staggering beauty of the natural world is so powerful when applied on a universal scale.

Mere Ex - you guessed it, Dave Gilmore is one of my all-time top guitarists. He makes the Les Paul weep. You feel the emotion in his tones dripping off like soft honey. "Comfortably Numb" is effortless simplicity.

Marjory said...

Maybe what we do here is this;

(1) Hold hands
(2) Look ahead
(3) Walk towards the twilight
(4) Greet the sunrise

doughgirl said...

What an incredible writing Perfect..You never cease to amaze me..what will we do when holiday comes :(
Was glad to see you still here today though :) You made me smile!

Perfect Virgo said...

R - 3 and 4 sound like tomorrow's another day. Or maybe an orbit of the globe? Mode of transport would be the next dilemma!

Doughgirl - You're very kind. If I can make you smile I'm happy. Hols start Easter Sunday for 2 weeks! I'll post an itinerary so you can plot our path.

recoveryroad said...

Another fine picture..you've missed your calling.

The "Keeping Music Miserable" header had me laughing out loud!



Perfect Virgo said...

Roots - thanks my friend. Sometimes eat a sandwich there at lunchtime. It's Mayflower Park overlooking the Nedlloyd container ships as they slide in!

A 1999 band called "Lowgold" (now sadly collapsed) used that wonderful phrase on their promo tee-shirts. It stuck with me because I still hold the view 'the only good song is a sad song.' Sad or not I'm glad it made you chuckle!

Grace said...

Oh PV, mine was a Scorpio Virgo affair...Blah what more can I say... Listen to Steel River Blues by Chris Rea. It was always... to me...a match made in heaven, but too powerful for the real world? If that makes sense, I think it will to you... I still think about my Virgo too...

Grace said...

Or Iris by the Goo Goo Golls...

Perfect Virgo said...

Grace I know "Steel River Blues" and I'll check out "Iris" (I guess that's Dolls.)

My Scorpio was highly sensual and a true soul-mate over quite some time. I know precisely what you mean, it was all too good to be true and didn't fit my real world. They stay with you though, the what-ifs and maybes, don't they.

RuKsaK said...

Great post with a perfectly matching image. I've got a thing for lonely benches.

Grace said...

I wonder if he thinks about me?

Perfect Virgo said...

Ruk - thanks for spotting my attempts to match my pictures to the day's text. Take a closer peek at today's lyrics. The empty bench hits me right there..

Grace - I'm sure he does. I don't think an intense affair can be forgotten by either party. Nor by others around us. I guess the trick is to not let it cripple one's life.

I have enough obsessions and former addiction that have come close to crippling me so I'm a fine one to talk!

recoveryroad said...

PV: yup. I know the park and the bench well. When I lived in Ocean Village (or near enough..if you see my pic on the blog you may recgonise the entrance to my old block), I often sat and stared out at the water from there, and chased seagulls, too.

doughgirl said...

I dont know what made me come back here and read this perfect. It jumped out at me all over again.

She thinks of you as often as you think of her. Somehow I think that she still sees you.

Both very much restless, how could you ever be content again knowing that true love lies waiting at night. It plagues both of you forever. I know it does me.

There is only one for each of us I do believe, until I am proven wrong, I will always believe that we are destined to the prison in our hearts and minds.

He had green eyes too perfect. I have seen him only once since then. We had planned to meet again, and when we did, we had no choice but to walk away. The pain we would face far outweighed the pain we had been through.

We smiled, turned walked away and never showed each other those tears.

Perfect Virgo said...

DG - thanks for reading this one again. You are very perceptive you know, extremely good at reading between the lines. This affair crippled me at the time and I have never fully recovered emotionally. I chose to return to wife and children, followed my head not my heart.

It was 19 years ago but feels like yesterday. I know which town she lives in but that's all. She may think about me, I guess an intense episode like ours would be hard to forget.

Thanks for sharing some of your story too. I can tell you know about the deepest emotions. But you keep the lid on things and press on with everyday life because what is the alternative?

Somehow life seems very unfulfilled, you put it so well when you said we are effectively prisoners in our own hearts and minds. I feel like I am serving a life sentence - my wife probably does too but it's nobody's fault. Living with supressed feelings is tough. I see you and me both know about that DG...

GEL said...

Oh My Gawd
I saw a reference to "Green Eyes" on Queen's blog before coming here recently. This is like deja vu. The most recent audio post I pulled is uncannintly related to this post of yours. When I repost that audio, be sure you listen to it alone, please. (I'm not your Green Eyes, but I hope the emotions I express there might help you, even if there's pain in remembering.)

Now reading your post
My timeless green eyes are
firey tears

shooting out from my
scorched soul
his azure sparks

Still wishing for
Frozen times
as crystal clear
as lovelakes
surging waves
We did rendezvous
years later
for "closure"
Yet those (later) innocent
hugs are molded
onto my skin
like love imprints
Electric jolts
to us both
willpower needed
like crypt-not tonight

We'll always be
parts of each other
(my post is far different than this )
I still wish I had not
ended it years ago
because I ended it
while still in love with him
(If you ask me why, the answer is
too ridiculous, although it makes sense to him when he heard why; yet I saw he wished it was different. We each chose to follow our heads in the recent present. I admit many times I wish he hadn't; this time I might have chosen to change the course of my life.)

I'm sure she holds you in her heart forever. The wondering is so difficult- beyond words.

Perfect Virgo said...

SilvermOOn - I have not met anyone else who has related so completely to this experience. There is little I can add, you must know all about it. Walking away from someone you are deeply in love with is emotionally crippling.

You are so right about "the wondering." Life goes on and people settle for other people but there is a nagging question mark hanging over everything.

I will listen alone to your audio post but must say thank you for the preview by way of the edited verses you have posted here. The brutal pain in your words is all too familiar. The sheer honesty is what I like most, these are thoughts we both have about someone who is not our spouse. Blogs make great confessionals.

"...like crypt-not tonight" is such a clever play on words. I am looking forward to hearing the real deal. I think you are brave to state boldly that "this time I might have chosen to change the course of my life." That is courage and I salute your strength.

GEL said...

Our circumstances were very different in several respects but the feelings seem similar in many other ways. I ended an intense once-in-a lifetime relationship with my boyfriend at an early age, several years before I married someone else. The reason for ending it was ridiculous, on my part. I have written about this elsewhere.

He and I reconnected, in the presence of others,several years after we both had married others. Yet, one look in each others eyes, even with other people close by, we each silently knew that enduring love was still there; it had never left...and never will.

Fast forward and that's where several events and connections happened that changed the course of each of our lives forever, as if time hadn't passed. Closure was not truly the fitting word. We connected and sorted out questions we each had regarding our white-hot unconsummated, but just as intense, love.

I've omitted identifying info and gaps, but oh yes, I DO relate very strongly to this piece, even if I did not have green eyes.

Someday, that book will call out to him; he knows I write...and others will know why "this time I might have chosen to change the course of my life."

I know he will read it...searching for where I write about him, and I know he will recognize the code wording I have NOT shared with him. Yet, I'd trade all of that for one minute of seeing him again. I love my husband; I love this man, too bu it's not a matter of choice...at least for me. He's embedded in my heart forever; there are others there, too. The heart has a marvelous compacity to expand its embrace.

Yes, often the most painful choice is moving on with one's life. Healing will occur.Immersion in other activities that you adore, will help speed up that process. Love the photo that accompanies this post. Who among us has NOT sat on an empty bench nd thought....?

Perfect Virgo said...

SilvermOOn - your compassion is extremely soothing. I am sure your own heart's capacity to embrace simply increases when you are ready to absorb more. Thank you for connecting the photo so strongly to the words. I definitely had emptiness in mind when I attached the two.

In many ways consummation only serves to prove what we already know. Maybe I was a "doubting Thomas" so needed to put my hand into the wound before I could believe?

Your later reconnection must have been so difficult. I chose to sever all ties in the same way as I cut loose from alcoholism overnight. Gray areas are so hard to feel comfortable in. Thank you for your wise owl advice, I have interests which I can turn to in times of difficulty to avoid the angry silence.